Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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