it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
