fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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