Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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