my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
