I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
