Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
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