12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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