did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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