we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
