I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
