there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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