I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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