One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
