my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
