you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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