I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
