Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
