i can't believe i had my finger in that
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
