seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
