If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
