she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
soo... how was my night?
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