Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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