how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
