ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
