It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
