I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
