I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I'm really busy with my period
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