Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
