I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
