omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
True college students do jello shots in the library
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
