i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
even my farts smell like vagina
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
