Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
