Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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