nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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