dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Randomize
