I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I need help removing her.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
