the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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