I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
