Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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