Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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