According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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