first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
