Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
