I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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