I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
