I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
it's great music for shaving your balls
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
