So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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