just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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