it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
